“I’ve had sleepless nights before…” She began.
The excitement of the awakening of the night owl.
Binge watching a new or favorite television show and or a movie, playing a new addicting game even.
She loved the late night Tumblr© posts, or re-tweeting a cute quote.
She loved the late night breeze through her screen window, while music blasting through her half broken white headphones…
She looked down at her manicured hands, copying a habit off of a character, she began wringing her right wrist with her left hand gently and continued the pattern with ease. “…but nothing like this.”
The excitement of the awakening teenage love, flew in like the wings of an eagle. With grace, and glory, and so much beauty; the intensity of it all. She never imagined how much it grew in a matter of seconds.
She thought they were over, but as Racheal told Ross in Friends©;
“Just so you know, with us, it’s never off the table.”
“We didn’t sleep much, but it was the best sleep I ever had in years…
We basically talked about everything we could think of, every detail, every seed that was sown, every moment…even the bad times…” She reached for the box of tissues, her hands trembling she could barley hold on.
A particular scene popped into her mind at that moment, between Sam and Dean Winchester in a show called Supernatural©;
“We have our dark spots…Our dark spots are pretty dark….Your dark…”
“My dark spots are pretty dark. We said things, even my own best friend didn’t know about. I told him about the deep sleep, my dreams, the days without eating, the days of constant hunger, the times I could hardly get to the couch in time before falling on my knees with puddles of tears staining the hardwood; but he knew all that like he had already been there…with me.”
She knew deep down she was never entirely alone. She felt something near, but another part of her thought it was God, and only God.
But c’mon, can two souls really connect like that? She believed it did.
How could she forget that dream she had?
Sitting up in bed, back against the headboard in a guest room, only things she called her own were filled in one small suitcase.
Only 15,000 miles away, and there he was sitting on the edge of the bed telling her to let go, telling her to do things she normally wouldn’t even think about doing. Just like Jack requested Rose to do in her life…
“Your finally here. So why not let go of what’s holding you back?
You need to let go of me.
You need to do things you couldn’t possibly imagine doing back home.
You promised you would live, so why aren’t you living yet?
You can finally start someone new, somewhere fresh.
You have to let go of me, and do what you’ve always wanted to do.
But, you can’t unless you let go and live a little. Get into fights, make a few mistakes, and a few regrets a long the way.
Make yourself proud in everything you do.
I’ll always be here like a guardian angel, but you need to be there adding more blue tones towards your vision.”
“There was a lot he told me, that deep down inside I already knew about;
I sensed it. Sometimes, when someone is vulnerable they’re very easy to read. With him, I didn’t have to say anything. All he had to do was just -”
Waterfalls of tears fell like rain, inhaling loudly, wringing the tissue that was still dry. She felt like the tears didn’t need to be dried, yet.
“…with one look he knew what I was feeling, even thinking about,”
He made her weak in the knees, one look across the room or a peek to check up on her; it felt like a hand touched her hand. Sometimes she felt it on the side of her neck, or a touch on her cheek, it was incredible and breath taking how connected they were. It’s all she ever wanted, and she finally got everything she asked God for; a second chance just to be with him.
“When I was having an emotional and difficult moment, he caught every tear that fell one by one. He never took his eyes off of me, he wanted to feel what I felt. He wanted to see what I already seen a thousand times over again. He wanted to be there, where I was hurting just so he could help be there, to glue all the wrong pieces together correctly.”
She was hesitant, but she continued on about the details; she kept their promise that only the two of them had together. Something beyond anyone’s intelligence could anyone comprehend. It was better that way.
“It’s not that he filled the empty hole, and void I had. It was more of how much we helped each other in our day to daily lives. There grew such an inspiration and visionary lifestyle, and it was beautiful to watch.
He never filled the void, because when he was in my life there was no such thing. He completed me, and I completed him. With two amazing and beautiful souls, and intelligence, comes something greater.
You have what you finally wanted, prayed for, longed for; it sometimes comes with the storyline of Hancock. Being together too much, maybe is bad for the both of us, even if we were always meant to be. I don’t believe that, but what else can it be?”
How can you finally be able to hold it with both hands only to watch it let go? How can you go on, when you had everything already? How can you just go on with walking, when you don’t even know how to walk anymore?
How can you be the best, when the best walked away for your benefit you yet not understand?
“I just…all I wanted was what every beautiful soul ever wanted.
And I can’t even have that. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror? How do you even have the energy to smile like nothing happened?
There was a lot that happened, and I’m still standing, adding pressure to slow down the bleeding. I keep going because there was one thing he said…”
“If for, whatever reason you can’t find yourself anymore; then find yourself in me because it’ll be there waiting to answer the door.
Remember how we met?
Do you remember how the sun shined down on only my house, and no one elses? Do you remember how still you became, your eyes locked on mine? Do you remember those very first feelings you got when I opened that door to greet you when you weren’t even close to the gate?
Hold onto that, don’t ever forget it. Promise me, that.”
That’s what keeps me going, it’s what I fell in love with that very day. It keeps me steady and stronger.