I was born in the states.
One month premature; a hole in my left lung born iced cold.
The doctor’s to this day have no idea how the hole disappeared.
My mama’s suffering and life she ran from left to right.
Married at 17, she left because she knew I could have better even if he wasn’t part of it. She knew grandma wasn’t enough when there was no father around.
She just took that step not knowing what was on the other side.
She wanted the best for her baby girl.
Married again at 20, I took a new last name I was told he went to court with my father to fight for me; but there wasn’t much to fight for.
He carried me, and loved me as his own. I know him as “Bub” which means dad in his language. From what I know he’s from God’s land.
At the age of 5 twins came to the picture and so did Sunday School.
One Sunday mama took us to the front of the church and we were anointed with oil.
I always wore dresses, and sometimes I’d match with my brother and sister.
At the age of 10 I was baptized in the name of Jesus.
We moved a lot; Bub says things got hard.
I missed my church a lot,
I thought it was cool we were the only family that wasn’t colored.
The move seemed like days to get there.
At the age of 12 I went to a Youth Convention and my grams got to watch me receive the gift of the Holy Ghost!
Mama created our home a safe haven where Jesus was surrounded and welcomed.
She would put us to bed really early just so she could have her worship time with music really loud. She made sure we said our prayers before bedtime,
each of us had a Bible of our own.
At the age of 14 I got to go to Youth Convention with my youth group without her there.
It was awesome!
At the age of 16, Mama stopped her late night worship sessions and stayed in her room for hours sometimes never coming out.
I got lost without a guide.
The older I got the more I suffered with many mental illnesses that I had no idea about; just knew what I felt.
At the age of 17 Mama left church for good never going back.
I went away for awhile, confused and lost.
My mama’s suffering became my own; I ran from right to left.
I did my very best to handle my life like she would have but it was never the same.
At the age of 18 I left too.
Without her there, there was nothing but pain and where there was pain there was a very dark life.
Can you imagine a life without a spoken word towards God?
I blocked Him out, painfully.
I was known to be that teenager on fire for the Lord ready to jump to the next step.
All I had left was sorrow and unexplained tears flowing late at night.
At the age of 20 I visited a church; scared for my life hoping someone would read my mind because saying a word would have me breaking down.
At the age of 24 I visited a familiar church and received an overflowing of the Holy Ghost; God breaking through my walls.
I let Him in and that’s what He wanted so that’s what I gave Him.
Before I knew it I was back to who I was before…
Conviction is the word, and my year was the worst; no words can explain the measures I took just to survive without asking God for help.
The ways and opportunities just to be able to have some food on the table.
I knew the devil was laughing because I let him laugh.
I felt his breath down my neck and I let him stay close by.
I wanted to be lost because I knew I was a lost cause.
I let the opposite of God in, welcomed it silently.
The one who once had the power to say one word no longer had a voice.
So exhausted I did not care anymore.
Jesus is His name; and I cried out at night sleep deprived so exhausted with scrapping the barrel in every aspect of my life.
One night I cried so much I thought I was dying from agony.
Staring at my wrists turned over, fighting it almost every night.
It was a deadly game, and I knew I couldn’t win.
But that night I gave in…
Mama used to tell me; “if you’re ever scared say His name; even a whisper and He will be there; as long as He is by your side you will always be protected.
He promised us in His Word that He would never leave us nor forsake us.”
I gave in.
I could only say His name through my teeth crying in my room hidden in the darkest corner. Shivering from hyperventilation, teeth shattering, my face hot from the tears.
I felt arms wrapped around me a spot on the floor next to me was as warm as my face was.
At the age of 25 giving in was the best thing I could have ever done.
I seek God through out the day on a daily.
You jump I jump.
Pain turned into Peace.
Sadness turned into Singing.
Lost turned into Laughing.
What Mama didn’t teach us is to keep going when it became unbearable to walk or even crawl. She taught us to just follow and trust her instead of following Christ.
Following and trusting in a human-being causes us to fall immediately.
What she didn’t teach us is to trust in Jesus when there isn’t anything left.
What she didn’t know was; a storm has to stop sometime.
What she didn’t know was if we hold our own burdens it is impossible to walk with God when all He wants is to carry it for us! But she will.
She isn’t back yet; but I am and that’s a new beginning to something bright and joyous!
I was born in the states.